The Impact Of What We Do Or Don't Do: "The choices we make, dictate the life that we lead".
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| Frozen Hands and Black Cows |
I hiked ten miles across the Brecon Horseshoe today.
Walking the mountains surrounded by fresh air, woods and rain helps me think things through. Walking in the elements really gives me perspective on things. Your mother used to think I was crazy, but I love walking in the rain, its my favourite weather.
It is my favourite weather unless I’m playing rugby on my home pitch and no one is kicking me the ball at fullback. When this happens, the rain stings my legs like little knives and I begin to shake and silently weep, hoping no one notices.
I remember your grandmother coming to watch me play at this desolate pitch when I was very young. I’ve played for the same side since I was 8 years old (on and off) and she used to have to take me when my father was in work. One day, when I was young, she queued for half an hour to get a tea from the van. She went behind the van to drink it and a seagull pooed all over the cup! She was raging and walked straight back to the car, leaving me there playing and freezing.
The mountain was very foggy and rainy. It reminded me of the trip your mother and I had to Snowdon. The weather today was similar to the weather at Snowdon. During that trip, I got us lost coming back down the path, so we had to get a taxi back to the car! My sense of direction failed us that day and your poor mother was freezing. I have fond memories of hugging her to keep her warm until the taxi came. You were in her belly at the time.
Today’s walk also reminded me of all the walks and hikes we had as a family. For example, I came across a large river that was swollen because of the rain. I had two choices: walk across and get my feet and legs soaking; or, run as fast as I could and attempt to jump across. It reminded me of your brother and how he would have cleared it without thinking. He was literally my inspiration. So I took a run up and leapt as far as I could over the river. All I could think about was how hard your brother and mother would laugh if I didn’t make it. It's amazing how far a fat, old, bald man can run and jump when he has the competition of an 11 year old in his mind. I won’t tell any of you whether I got to the other side or not, I’ll let you guess.
As I tried catching my breath on the other side of the river bank, I was thinking about what I could teach you next. Then I came to a split in the path and I didn’t know which way to go: straight on, or left. It reminded me of one of my favourite poems:
My RE teacher was completely right because I spent the next half hour walking through a flooded field full of cows and cow poo. (See photo at top). I started laughing because the last time your mother and I were in a field of cows I got scared and really nervous walking so close to them, whereas she just bolted through completely fearless. She really is a lioness.
“The choices we make, dictate the life that we lead”. What a lesson to learn. Even though I had heard this over 20 years ago, I learnt its true meaning late in life (opsimath dad). Even though I understand a lot of things cognitively, I seem to need to experience it first-hand before I truly comprehend it. For example, I completely understood cognitively that Karma is based on the principle that there are consequences (good and bad) to every action we perform. Or, as we have said: “The choices we make, dictate the life that we lead”.
People who don’t take responsibility for their actions give themselves a victim mentality. They will think things like “Poor me”; “It wasn’t my fault”; “I did it because she made me”; “I did it because I was angry”. This is bull.
I’ll quickly give an example of how this is bull and how people always have a choice. I learnt this after your mother and I broke up and I fully accepted I was in the wrong, that I needed therapy and medication to help me tackle my depression.
“Imagine you are in the queue in the local supermarket. You feel the person behind you spit on the back of your head. What do you do?” Most people say they would go mental, hit him, etc.
Now ask the same questions but tell them that when they turn around, “they see that the individual who spat on them had Downs Syndrome”. What would they now do? Hardly anyone says they’d hit them. So, it's a choice. This simple example was life changing for me.
It got me to realise that my relationship with your mother started to fail, not because of my depression, but because I refused to get help for it. That was my choice. She was pushing me to get help and I refused to take medication. I chose to speak to her nastily; I chose to take how sad I was feeling out on her. I chose to go back to bed whilst she was out walking the dogs. I chose to say nasty things regardless of their untruth. The question is why? I believe the answers are mixed and are not limited to:
- I refused medication because I thought that meant I really was messed up; that it was un-masculine; and, that it was weak. You see, this was my minds way of making an excuse and choosing not to get help.
- I did take therapy, but it had limited success. It had limited impact not because the therapy was bad, but because I chose not to fully listen and implement the lessons. I studied psychology at university. I used to say that this was because I wanted to help others. The truth is that I chose to go to university to understand myself and cure myself. I then made myself an ‘expert’ on helping everyone else with depression, trauma, anxiety, drug abuse, etc. But then I ignored my own sadness and tried to cure it through ‘helping others’ with their demons. I am now part of a therapy group and I’ve chosen to heal myself, chosen to truly listen and chosen to learn. It's working.
- Your mother made me feel so safe and I trusted her so much that I chose to release my sadness. But I also chose not to fix myself. This was stupid because your mother is a wonderful healing woman - hence why she does what she does. But that was not her responsibility, it was mine. It burnt her out and probably made her think I was behaving like this because I didn’t love her or your brother. This is the furthest from the truth anything could be. They were perfect.
- I chose not to communicate my thoughts and feelings in a way that would lead to solutions
Ultimately, the actions I chose destroyed every bit of trust she had in me and the male species. She already hated males anyway, she’d tell me everyday. I know that I am far different to most men on the planet and I proved this to her for 90% of our relationship. I love and care about her, you and your brother in a way that words cannot describe. I chose to hurt your mother by not taking responsibility for what I was thinking, feeling and doing. Ultimately, I hurt her and broke her trust.
Frank Turner, in his song ‘The Way I Tend To Be’, says:
“That love is about the changes you make
And not just three small words”
So, what can I teach you from this:
- Everything you do in life is a choice. No matter whether it's a good or bad thing, it's a choice. So, learn from my mistakes and choose: love, kindness, empathy, compassion, communication, laughter, life. Choose bravery instead of fear; choose vulnerability instead of being a ‘tough guy’. Choose to live a happy life; choose good mental health; choose to be happy. It will also be a choice about how hard you will work in school and a job; whether you use drugs or not; how hard you train in sports; how committed you are in a relationship; whether you are going to work on yourself; and, how much you are worth.
- The only thing you can ever control is yourself. No one is in control of you and you are not in control of anyone else. The only thing you can control in life is you. This includes your emotions, thoughts and behaviour. So, if you ever feel yourself getting angry, or having troubles, choose to tell me, your mother and brother. Choose to act in a way that will solve the problem, not make it worse. Acting out angrily or nastily only makes the problem worse.
- Look for solutions to the issue, not problems.
- The world and the people in it aren’t against you. I used to think your mother was on my case and that she didn’t love me because she was telling me I was awful and needed help. Looking back, this was proof that she loved me. Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions and never allow yourself to have a victim mentality.
- Find an activity that helps you think and feel good. One of mine is walking in the rain.
- Cherish the good times. Make happy memories, no matter how small.
- Be kind. Don’t break someones heart unless you have good reason to - and then, sit them down and tell them what you have observed, what it makes you feel and what you’d like out of the situation.
- Never break someones trust. Never play with peoples emotions and trust. The one thing I pride myself on is my loyalty to friends and your mother, brother and you. Trust comes in many forms: family, friendships and romantic relationships. It can take years to build and seconds to break.
- Accepting help is ok.
- Everyone has something going on.
- When you find the love of your life, look after them with everything you have. But remember, you can't look after anyone else unless you also look after yourself.
Dad
