The Importance of Friendship: "If someone is a true friend, they are family that I have chosen for myself"

Hey Champ,

Having at least one ‘true’ friend will have a considerable impact on your life. The benefits of a true friend can be found everywhere. Your true friend could be a family member, or someone else - it doesn’t matter. Your mothers truest friend is probably her sister. My truest friend is a guy I met in nursery 30 years ago!

But, what is friendship? How do you create, maintain or end different types of friendships across your lifespan? And, what is a true friend? I believe the quote above describes this really well. It’s someone you’ve chosen to become family.

This article has taken loads of thinking, reflecting and researching because it is so important that I teach you about friendships well. 

A lot of this article was informed through a very in-depth discussion I had with a friend. She inspired me to think about things I hadn’t thought about before, which shows that a good friend will develop and challenge you. 

Your peers will influence you more than any other group of people, including family. That is why you need to choose them wisely. But that said, It's not just about what friends do for you, but what you also do for them. All relationships are a two way street. 

I will spend lots of time over your life helping you to think about your friends and why they are important, or need cutting loose. This article can be our introduction to the topic where we will talk about the basics of friendships, but I think its a topic I’ll continue to write about. 

So let’s begin…

I believe the quality and types of friendships you have develop with age. A very basic version of this timeline goes something like:

1. Most peoples first friends will be a playmate, (probably your cousin, or your mothers friends son, as they are only a year or so older), and other children that are of a similar age and live very close by. As a baby, this relationship is all about having fun and playing. So, play, have fun, explore the world, crawl, eat, roll over, paint, laugh.
2. Then, as you get older, fun and playing together will be a major part of friendships, but you may also start to think about what else the friendship is bringing - like sharing sweets, drinks, toys.
3. As you enter your teenage years, you will begin to problem solve life issues with your friend and tell them thoughts and feelings that you don’t tell anyone else. You’ll also begin to do some really nice things for each other because you’ll care for one another.
4. Finally, you’ll have friendships that are emotionally close. You’ll accept differences and flaws and support and trust one another. You will remain close over time, no matter the distance between you. As a young kid, you’ll be very close to your friends and spend a lot of time with them. But don’t be surprised that as you get older you have to book in to see your friends - because life just gets in the way. 

As an adult, you will really appreciate having intimate, trusting, serious friendships; but that should be balanced by the fun and laughter you can have with them. Don't get me wrong, if your friend is going through a hard time, don't expect them to be happy and funny. This is where you will need to use your emotional skills and empathise, listen and support, if you can. 

Over time, you'll begin to notice that you have certain types of friends, or, as I call it: “True friends”, “Mates”, and “Acquaintances”. What’s interesting is that you will wear different masks for each of these groups.

Through boxing, rugby, coaching, work, Uni and life adventures, I probably know hundreds of people.  I would break these into three levels of friendships:

Level 1 - I would class people in this group as ‘Acquaintances’. In this situation, there would be general small talk, maybe even a pint, but I would never spend 1:1 time with them. I’d probably know them from a group setting and I would know them on a superficial level. They certainly wouldn’t know me intimately. I’d never go to them for help or advice. These may be friends of friends, people from the gym or work. You’ll work these people out when they say (or you say), “We should catch up soon” and you have absolutely no intention of catching up. Quick tip - don’t even say it. 

Level 2 - I would class people in this level as ‘Mates’. I would share stories with these people, do activities with them in a group and 1:1 scenario. I’d enjoy their company and know them quite well. I may go to them for advice and I’d share some things with them, but not all. I would be there for them if they needed, but they wouldn’t be my absolute priority. I may have around 20 people in this group.

Level 3 - This is the ‘Trusted Circle’. These are 'True Friends'. These friends will be there for you no matter what. They know you and you know them really intimately. You share life ups and downs. There is trust, loyalty and honesty. These types of friendships take years to make and thousands of events to test. There is laughter and seriousness. These are the people you call upon when something major happens and you don’t know where to turn. They know you the best, maybe 85%-95% of you. I’d honestly say that I have only about 5 of these people in my life - and I have known all of them for between 30 - 12 years. There is no mask to wear here. 

As you can see, it's a funnelling process. 

But be aware, not all friendships will stand the test of time. There is a ‘narrative’ that makes sense of this. It's called, “Reason, Season, Life”. Its explained really well in the picture below.

Borrowed from afaithfulstep.com

I like this idea above, but it also depends on a lot of reflection and after-the-event analysis. 

Also, don’t feel like you always need to be tied into a friendship. I was once very close to a friend for 25 years. However, as we grew up, he wouldn’t tell me when he was home or out with the boys, yet had the audacity to ask me to fight his battles. This made me feel like cannon fodder and that he appreciated what I did for him, rather than who I was. So, I completely cut ties with him. He went from a Level 3 to a no friend, in a matter of seconds. It's a cliche but it’s true: 

Trust can take years to build and seconds to break.

Your mother is the only person who ever got the 100% of me. When I spoke about this to a friend, they described their relationship to me. Upon hearing this, I saw exactly why I thought your mother was my truest friend and the only person I ever loved for their soul. My friend said:

It ain't even about the sexual side of it. It's about the things that I share with him that only mean something to me and him. Like the wins that only make sense to us. There’s a side to me that no one else in the world will ever see except him. Even though I am authentic and real to everyone, there’s a bit I hold back just for him.

So, what are some of my ‘True Friend’ criteria; and what you can learn from it?

I don’t think there is a ‘prescription’ of what a true friend is, and so, all I can give you is my description of what a true friend is to me. I’ve reached this idea from my own life experience, and through talking with others I trust. 

• Someone who has your back no matter what - Your true friend will have your back regardless of whether you are right or wrong. If you are wrong, they will wait until the time is right to tell you. You also should be able to have their back no matter what, too.  
• Someone who doesn’t judge you. No one in life is ‘normal’. Everyone is weird in some shape or form. Everyone you come across will have come from different life paths. Some would have made mistakes, others may say things you don’t agree with. Challenge them by all means, but try not to judge anyone. If they judge you without evidence, either prove them wrong, or let them be.
• Someone who doesn’t slag you off to people and will always speak highly of you. If you hear someone has been bad mouthing you, get rid of them. They cannot be trusted. 
• Someone who will challenge you and hold you accountable for your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Everyones friends should be keeping them in check. 
• Someone who tells you straight. Honesty is one of the values I hold most dearly. If you can’t have a courageous conversation with a ‘friend’ then maybe its time to re-evaluate. You really don’t want ‘yes’ men around you all the time because you lose touch with reality and become dangerous. 
• Someone who is loyal, honest and trustworthy - You can be intimate with anyone but if you don’t trust them, there’s nothing more than that little connection, it's not a friendship or a relationship.
• Someone you love and would take a bullet for you and vice versa.
• Someone you know you have a special bond with - Its strange, and I can’t explain everything, but whether in a friendship or romantic relationship, sometimes you don’t feel like you have really chosen, it just happens. It's like when I met your mother, I decided instantly (it was more of a feeling than a thought), that I was going to let this person close. 
• People who hold similar/ the same morals and values as you. If you hold different values and morals that are poles apart, you may often be arguing and getting on each others nerves. You may find someone really funny and caring, but they may like to use drugs. This may go against your values and morals, and so they remain a Level 1 or 2 friend. On the other hand, if you find someone with the same morals as you - say for example, you care about the environment, you can push each other to leave the world a better place than you found it.
• Someone you are not sexually attracted to, it's impossible if there is attraction. Even if one person puts boundaries in, the other will still want more. Even if there’s a slight hint of attraction, you will never be genuine friends because there’s an ulterior motive whether conscious or not.
• Someone who, when you really need them, is there. For example, at one point in my life I became very ill. One of my truest friends from America flew out and was by my bed within a week. He literally travelled from the other side of the world to make sure I was OK. 
• Someone you grow with, not apart from. 
• Someone who’s company you enjoy. You laugh, share stories and create good memories together. 
• Someone who makes you happy and gives you energy. Sponges are everywhere, so don’t choose to be in a friendship (or romantic relationship) with one. Life too short. 
• Someone that sees the best in you even when you can’t see it in yourself. 
• Mutual interests - You don’t need to be an amazing superhero to attract people into your life, you just need similarity. For example, some of my friendships are based on the shared love of drawing or having a dry sense of humour, or rugby and boxing. I got on well with your mothers mother because we both liked books. I get on well with LL because she also has a dark sense of humour and there’s no sexual attraction there. 
• Someone who accepts you saying no and doesn’t try to bully you into doing things that you don’t want to do. Anyone who forces their beliefs, ideas, behaviours onto you and forces you to follow, is not a friend. They are a bully and they are controlling. 

So, as you can see, true friendship is not based on one thing, it's based on a thousand things that are important to you. 

Some suggestions on how to make friends:

• Be open
• Be playful
• Be curious
• Be empathic and accepting of some things
• Find common ground/ similarity 
• Be kind
• Share toys, stories, life experiences - but not too much. Letting someone know you fully takes time. Don’t let people in straight away, test them and work them out
• Ask them questions
• Watch the way they are with people when others aren’t around - do they slag them off?
• Share the fun
• Go out with them, ride bikes, build dens, do hair, paint nails, dress up, wrestle - do whatever. 
• Open yourself up to new adventures and options - there are billions of people in earth, you’ll find friends in loads of different places
• Make them laugh and laugh with them
• Tell them no and see how they react
• Tell them the truth and ask for the truth in return and gauge their responses
• Role play talking to friends and how to overcome the challenges within friendships. (Your mother is fantastic at this. She has given your brother so many role plays on what to say and do because he is nervous. Honestly, go to her for this).

Once you’ve made friends and you are at that reflective stage of your life, start to question things. An easy way to do this is to complete a simple test. Get a piece of paper and write answers to the following:

How do you feel in their company?

How do you feel out of their company? 

Do you trust them; are they loyal; are they honest?

Do they hold the same values and morals as you?

Do you feel better or worse for being involved with them?

Do they drain you?

What do you get out of the friendship?

What do you bring to the friendship?

What level friend are they? 

Are they behaving like this because they have something going on?

Why are you friends with them?

If the negatives outweigh the positives, distance yourself. Or, if you want them in your life, ask yourself why; and think of ways to fix this situation. But, don't be afraid of someone rejecting you. It means that you weren't compatible anyway. 

You shouldn’t need lots of True Friends so cultivate the relationships you do have at this level.

Its an old cliche, but it makes sense - 

You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends.

If you agree with me that friendships are family bonds that you choose, then choose your extended family carefully. 

Friendships are magical, and, even though I am your father, I will also be your true friend. C.S. Lewis said:

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one

I'm the opsimath dad, so I've learnt late in life. This is a good thing for you because when you say "Dad, I've done this with my mate; I feel like my friend doesn't appreciate me; or, I don't know if this person is good". I'll say, "I've been here before, don't worry," and then we'll figure it out together. 

I’ve got your back. 

Love you,

Dad