The hardest answer to the hardest question I have ever been asked
Hey Champ,
Since your mother and I broke up, she hasn’t contacted me once. However, your grandmother seems to think that today is your due date.
To do ‘bad’ things, a person must believe they are doing ‘good'
This means that most behaviours are motivated by the person believing that they are conducting them out of the greater good - whatever that may be to them. I assume that your mother believed she was keeping herself out of a stressful situation, giving you the best chance to grow and be healthy. If that’s the case, I thank her. There are many sides to the same story, so please listen to hers too. I respect whatever she recalls to you.
We will talk when you’re older, but I really don’t believe your mother had done this because she is evil, I think she’s hurt and traumatised by life and took it out on me. I will tell you what happened between your mother and I, but I firmly believe I have footed the bill for all the hurt men have caused her during her life.
Over the last 7 months, I have been thinking about you, your mother and brother every single day, wondering how I can fix the problem and get my family back together. Through my job, I came into contact with one of the best and most senior social workers in the authority. So, I went to talk to her about the fact that you will be here and your mother has made it impossible to contact her regarding you (she has made it legally impossible).
The rest of this post is based on the conversation we had. My question to the social worker was simple:
Because of the way things are, do I leave my child alone and wait; or, do I make contact?
According to this social worker, because your mother had made it legally impossible for me to contact her regarding you, I needed to ponder three questions. I have mulled these over in my head for months. Even when I'm out on the motorbike leaning into mountain corners at 60mph, I think about these questions, meaning that I can’t stop ruminating on them - no matter how hard I’ve tried.
Question 1: Could I allow/cope/accept another man raising you to their standards, morals and values?
Your mother will move on; get another boyfriend/ girlfriend; and live with them. That means that they will have a say in how to raise you and your brother. So my answer, in short, is:
Absolutely not
There are too many men and women out there without morals and values; and many of those that do have them, often put their urges before their morals. For example, they say they don’t like bullying, but are bullies; they drink, take drugs, go out on a weekend and stay out; cheat, speak wrongly to/ about people, fight needlessly and commit crime. In short, I honestly believe most people are arseholes.
I made some crap decisions regarding your mother, but making a shit decision, doesn’t make me a shit person. I have some of the strongest morals, values and standards there are. For example, I don’t believe in breaking a promise - especially not to children. Your mother always used to say that your brother loved the fact that If I said I would get him something or do something with him, I would.
If I ever break a value and/or moral, I spend time working out what went wrong and what I can do to make myself a better person. Not many others are like this.
So, no. I couldn’t let someone else raise you to their values and morals.
Question 2: Would you ever forgive yourself if your child had a rubbish life and was abused?
Simple answer:
No
This stands for you and your brother. I would protect the three of you. I have seen the damage emotional neglect and physical abuse have done to people, so I would never forgive myself if this was to ever happen to you.
I do worry about this, however. Your mother has told me about the awful string of men she has had, including her first boyfriend, so I often wonder what knob she’ll bring home next. That said, she has done an amazing job protecting your brother and raising him. She said that I was one of two people who ever got to meet him. So, I hope the same happens with you.
Between myself and your mother, I believe we can protect the both of you from abuse. If she can’t, I will - and she knows it.
Question 3: Could you live with the fact that your child had a really happy life without you, and so never came to find you.
Really difficult answer:
Yes
This is the hardest answer to the hardest question I’ve ever been asked. I’ve thought about this every single moment since I was asked the question.
All I ever want is for the three of you to be happy, loved, cherished, and safe. If you find this with your mother and brother and whoever else, of course I can live with the fact you never came to find me.
But regardless of whether you are happy or not, my door will always be open for you.
Don’t ever think that I'm not here for you or that you were never in my thoughts. This blog is my way of communicating to you and helping you during the times that we don’t see each other. I also have kept a box for you. There are lots of things in it. For example, I bought you a little lion teddy a few weeks ago. There’s a lovely story as to why I chose a lion - I’ll tell you in another post. There are newspapers that were on sale on the supposed day of your birthday, so you know what happened when you were born. Plus, I wrote your mother your first mothers day card as that was only a few weeks ago.
I’ll keep collecting stuff for you.
What can you take from this?
- I will try everyday to show you how much I care and want to be there for you;
- Families have all sorts of different dynamics. Just because your mother and I aren't together, doesn't mean that you're not loved;
- Right now, I'm dammed if I do contact about you, and I'm damned if I don't- because you'll ask me in a few years where I was;
- That I have been thinking constantly about the iatrogenic consequences of waiting for you to grow up and want to see me. I take solace in knowing that you are 50% me. This means that you'll have an inquisitive mind and will want to know where you came from and will ask for me. Our family tree is in your mothers kitchen. If she still has it, you'll see that our family have been around since the 1600's.
Im always here for you, I'm going nowhere.
I love you,
Dad
