Coping Strategies 1: "If you can't change the situation, change yourself".
When we are no longer able to change the situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Hey Champ,
Sometimes in life, we may never get an answer to the question in our heads. This can often eat us up and fuel a ‘victim mentality’. I have spoken about the dangers of victim mentality here.
In 2013, I read Viktor Frankl’s, “Mans Search for Meaning”. Viktor was a Psychiatrist who was sent to a Nazi concentration camp. Whilst there, he came up with his theory that the search for meaning and purpose in life is the key to personal happiness and well-being.
In my opinion, this is a very powerful way of coping with situations that arise from life. This way of thinking helps to remove the victim mentality; drives the individual to understand why it happened to them; and, offers them a way to move forward with the lessons learnt.
Now, maybe you can see that this blog is my way of finding meaning in the fact that I cannot be there for you, your brother and mother. There is nothing I can do to change the situation, so now I am challenged to change myself. I believe that one of the best ways for me to do this, is to find meaning in the situation by empathising with your mother and her decisions and thinking about why this is happening.
What is empathy?
Empathy is different to sympathy. According to Brenne Brown:
Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.
Some studies suggest that you will be able to show empathy around the age of 2. Your mother is an empath and your brother is really sensitive too. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if you also have an amazing ability to connect with people.
Honestly, there is no better description of empathy, than here. Click the link and read the website and watch the video.
I will focus on showing you how to do point number one in Brene’s list:
- Perspective Taking, or putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
Your mother always told me that she never loved or trusted anyone the way she loved and trusted me. I’ve spoken about this here. I genuinely believe that your brother also loved me.
It is important for me to own the fact that I have never loved anyone the way I loved your mother and brother too. This is important for me to acknowledge because it allows me to recall and reflect on feelings that are uncomfortable inside me, enabling me to empathise better. In turn, this helps us all connect better, rather than driving our disconnect.
Ever since the day your mother and I parted, I have checked my emails and my phone hoping to hear from her. Today, I stopped.
I stopped because I sat down and really began to empathise with her.
I can’t change the situation, but I can change myself by empathising more than I ever have before.
At the beginning of this article I said: “sometimes in life, we may never get an answer to the question in our heads”. I have replayed the question: “Why doesn’t she ask me to come home?” a thousand times a day.
So, I realised that in order to get this question answered (because your mother hasn’t spoken to me in months), I had to think: “Why would someone who was hurt so bad want me to return?”
The answer: They wouldn’t.
This change of perspective through empathy helped me to realise exactly why your mother has behaved in the manner that she has. Thinking empathetically has meant that I have recalled and reflected on feelings that are uncomfortable inside me - and its hurting.
If I'm hurting, your mother must also have been hurting
I think that:
I was awful towards the end of our relationship. I couldn’t see the wood from the trees and I took everything out on your mother. As I have said, I have never loved anyone the way I loved and trusted her, so our breakup was really unexpected for me. However, over the years, I’ve started to realise that women leave a relationship long before the end actually comes and they are often drawn to another man whom they believe can provide for them in the ways that are lacking. I believe that I had lost your mother well before we actually parted because it took me so long to realise that I was hurting and behaving unreasonably during our relationship. The break up was the kick I needed to snap me out of my situation.
Your mother was incredibly hurt by the fact that I had broken her love and trust by behaving in ways that I am not proud of. It therefore makes perfect sense that when somebody gets hurt by the person they have such strong feelings for, they leave and never look back. Your mother used that hurt to attack me and to defend herself, regardless of whether there was a real or perceived threat. But why?
In order to empathise, I had to think about her history. Your mother has had a string of awful experiences with men. It started with her father. He, and the other men she has been with, taught her that relationships with men are rubbish and that men don’t stay, are hurtful, unreliable and disposable. Rather than disclose anything here, she will tell you about this in person. Then, I came along and showed her that this wasn’t true, and that men (me) worshiped and loved her for her soul. But in the end, I broke her high opinion of me by not being there for her in the way I should have been.
If I put myself in her shoes, I begin to feel deeply insecure. So maybe her behaviours are driven by fear, hate and a deep insecurity. Maybe that’s why she keeps her children close and anything that comes in between those relationships is seen as a threat- and she deals with it severely. She doesn’t take any chances. It’s why there’s no room for anyone. I used to say to her all the time that I didn’t feel like there was room for me in her and your brothers life.
So, if a threat comes in, your mother tightens her control and grip over her children because when it’s just her and her kids she feels safest and in control. I can totally empathise with that. It means that any threat towards her and/or her children, results in her retracting from the relationship and pulling the children in close, while dismissing anyone else. This is her protection mode and she is currently in it. It also shows what an amazing mother she is!
With that hurt, comes your mothers anger and lack of contact. For example, its not long until you are born and I don’t know anything about you- are you a boy or girl? Are you a twin? When’s your birthday?
Once this stage has passed, your mother will cut off all of her emotions. She’s done this to so many people in the past and its her way of coping and making sure there are no attractions there for her. Again, I can empathise with this protection mode. I'd probably do the same.
The most life changing thing I learnt over the last few years is that if a person has an emotional reaction greater than 5 out of 10, the reaction isn't towards the current situation, but something within the persons past that hurt them. See the video below.
I have used this empathetic perspective for my personal development and I will continue to reflect. It means that you get the best of me.
I promise you that I will be there, if I am allowed. I saw this photo and thought instantly of you. It actually made me very emotional. It helped me realise that empathising with your mother and then removing my love and hurt for her, means that you and your brother are looked after by two amazing parents.
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What can you learn from this:
- Try to be a better person tomorrow than you were today
- If you can't change the situation, change the way you see it.
- Don’t think: "Why me?; think "What can I do better next time?"
- Reflect: on "What have I learnt from this?"
- Empathise: by wondering "What did the other person go through and what is fuelling they're behaviours?"
- Question: "How did they feel?"
- Work out: "What are they trying to communicate?"
- Feel: "How do I feel when thinking from their perspective?"
- Ask yourself: "Can I fix it?"
- Always think: "What will I do next?"
- Say sorry: only when you truly believe you are in the wrong. Never waste an apology, people see straight through it.
- Use empathy to help you find meaning and purpose in a situation you cannot change.
