How To See Past The Disguises That People Wear: "We all wear masks"

Hey Champ,

One great lesson to learn in life is:

People wear masks 

The dictionary explains that a mask is:

A covering for all or part of the face, worn as a disguise, or to amuse or frighten others.

This definition could insinuate that a social/ psychological mask could therefore be:

A covering for all or part of the self, worn as a disguise, or to amuse or frighten others. 

Two interesting themes from these definitions are:

1. It is a covering 
2. Usually in response to others or for others

Everyone wears some form of mask. I suppose the difficulty is seeing behind this to perceive the raw person underneath. This isn’t to say that there aren’t genuine people out there because a lot of people are authentic. In fact, most people will have one person that they can be their genuine selves with. What I have found however, is that people wear certain masks for certain people and /or for certain occasions.

Some people will try and hide their mask from you, but you will see through it. Even if you do see someone wearing a mask, it wont always be your duty to expose it. Some people will be wearing it to protect themselves, and that’s ok. Sometimes all we need to do is recognise this and keep it to ourselves because we could hurt them even more by exposing it. Having said that, when people are wearing a mask and are using it to hurt themselves or others, tell them or someone else (if you think its right). The people who know me best often tell me when I'm wearing my mask - and that’s ok. 

Masks come in many forms, some examples are:

• People who make physical changes to their body - makeup, hair, lips, boobs, teeth, muscles
• People who create personalities that they think will help them connect with people better or keep people and intimacy away from them - even though its not who they really are
• People who act nice, only to abuse the trust and power they have been given
• People who achieve greatness or begin to bully because there is no other way to get their voice heard or to feel powerful
• People who are happy and funny, but deep down are really sad
• People who become very successful because deep down they believe they are a failure

Underneath every mask is a need and/or a vulnerability. That’s why it is so important to choose your friends wisely. You shouldn’t need to put a mask on around your friends and/or family; they should see some of the rawest parts of you and not take advantage of it. At the same time, you should feel safe and loved enough to be the authentic you. 

You are good enough; you were born perfect - and that’s a fact. 

Not many people have seen the vulnerable side of me. Most people see me making them laugh, talking, coaching- yet the real people, those who matter to me, see me trying to meander life challenges. Mask removed. 

I’m going to tell you about one, maybe two, of the masks I’ve worn across my lifetime and why. Even though those who know me well will say that they already knew this, I’ve only told two people about this before. 

During my 20’s and 30’s I fought loads of different types of fights. I did K1; Kickboxing; BJJ; Wrestling; but, I fell in love with boxing. There are loads of photos of me boxing. By the time you are ready to talk to me, I’ll still have them for you. 

People fight for all different kinds of reasons. The main reason I fought was because I was bullied as a child; and because I’ve always been insecure about the way I looked. 

Being bullied and being told by people that I was very ugly, really hurt me. They made me feel like I didn’t fit in, like I needed to always protect myself and others; and prove myself. So, I became the hardest, toughest, most ferocious man in the room. I always used to say to people that even if I lost a match:

The person I fought would remember my name forever because I fought him so hard. 

This ‘mask’ of a hard man did me well; and, to be honest, I loved fighting. I loved the challenge of locking myself in a space with another fighter and seeing who won. It gave me a reputation, it gave me kudos, power, success and confidence; and, it provided me and whoever I was with, with safety. In addition, I could blame my ‘ugliness’ on the fact that I had been punched in the face so many times. 

However, it also gave me a reputation which didn’t really reflect who I am. For example, I was a level three friend to one guy. He was also bullied and wasn’t overly intellectual, so I did lots of his homework for him and protected him. I was his football captain and lead by example, protecting my team mates. During our friendship, I was always the protector. I taught him how to hit hard in rugby - and he went on to play for Wales.

However, as the years went by, he moved away and became well known. When he got married, he asked some people who hadn’t been in his life long, to be the best men. I could have accepted that had he not sent me a letter. It said something like “you have been my best mate for years. If there was a world war three, I would call on you to protect me and my family”. I was very angry at this because it meant that I wasn’t good enough to go out for beers with him when he was home (he’d tell lots of the boys but not me), yet if he was in trouble he would use me. I sat at the wedding all night pondering on this. Then I left when it was over and we haven’t spoken since. This experience made me realise that he didn’t like the real me, just the mask; and that was my fault because maybe I never showed him.

I ’masked’ my  feelings of vulnerability with a certain way of being. But, as you can see, deep down I am much softer than I show 99% of people - and that’s ok. Your brother saw this soft loving side of me. Do I like the mask I chose? In some ways, yes; but in other ways, no. Ultimately, I have met some of the best friends I could have known through my sport - and they now see the real me quite often.

My experiences are not the first examples of a person turning to boxing to create a mask. Mohammad Ali turned to boxing because he was being bullied and had his bike stolen. Roberto Duran fought because he didn’t want to be bullied and have things taken away from him and his poverty stricken family. Holyfield’s mother made him go boxing to learn how to protect himself, even though he didn’t want to. 

In the end, I realised I was fighting myself. I was trying to prove to myself that no one would mess with me again - therefore I was safe. In addition, it felt ok to be ugly because I was a boxer - the punches to my face were the best excuses. You wouldn’t believe how hard that is to write, it feels like an attack on my masculinity - like I'm weak. But I think I have to lead by example and show you that we can express our feelings and thoughts in ways that do not create any harm to ourselves or others. 

Other people mask themselves in different ways and for different reasons. I have witnessed:

• Some feel ugly, so they sleep with as many people as they can
• Some feel insecure, so they become controlling or look to social media for appraisal
• Some feel sad, so they do hurtful things to others
• Some show they don’t care about anything, which usually means they care about everything
• Some people are anxious or doubt themselves, so they become professionals who are needed, who are caring, who are leaders; who are well thought of, who have status and power. 

So, what can you learn from this?

• Different people wear different masks in different situations, and in-front of different people
• Even when you are very close to someone, you may not truly know them for a while. Take time and look for signs and red flags
• If someone is wearing a mask, wonder why?
• Pick and choose your moments to challenge people wisely. There is a time and place for everything
• Think about what masks you wear and what the purpose is
• I promise, you can be your genuine self with me (I know how hard it has been for me to trust myself enough to let my guard down around a few select friends and your mother)
• Wearing a mask is ok - for example, there will be a time when you’ll have to smile and pretend that there’s nothing wrong
• It important to find and trust the person or people that you are genuine with. That is not to say that you shouldn’t be genuine, you should be your authentic self as much as possible. Just acknowledge that sometimes we can’t be
• This may be bad advice, but its something I’ve always done. I tend not to trust overly nice people. I don’t believe anyone can be nice all the time. If you can’t see their ‘dark’ side or attitude, stay away - they are hiding their shadow with a mask
• It’s ok to feel vulnerable. Sometimes you will have to protect yourself, but at other times, it will be fine to feel vulnerable and not act upon it. I have your back.
• Everyone wears a mask - and that’s normal
• If you are feeling or thinking anything, no matter what it is, tell me and we can sort it.

Love you,

Dad