What sports and hobbies teach us: "Let your failures fuel you"

Hey Champ,

I spoke to my best friend about what to write next. He suggested that I talk about sport. Sport has been an integral piece of my life since the age of 8! During that time, playing sport has taught me many life lessons that I try to apply everyday.

My chosen sports were rugby and boxing. I believe that boxing was the best sport for teaching me lessons that can be applied to life. Some of those are below:

1) No excuses

Whether it's boxing, BJJ, wrestling, or any combat sport, there is something primitive about taking on another man and proverbially saying “one of us leaves”. Regardless of whether you win, lose or draw, the only person you can blame or congratulate, is yourself. 

As you get older, you will hear yourself, your family and/or your friends, and strangers say things like:

• "Im fat because I've had kids"
• "I was too busy to train"
• "My coach didn't tell me to do that"
• "My boss set me up"
• "Im addicted to drink/drugs"

You know what I say to these people? “Stop the excuses”. And "All excuses are lies".

The reason these person failed has nothing to do with the above. They are all excuses. Its more like:

• "You've become fat because you are lazy and undisciplined".
• "Make time. Wake up earlier".
• "Train until you know things automatically"
• "What didn't you do"
• "What are you trying to escape or create. Something is missing"

Fighting teaches you to take responsibility. If you lose, work out why and use that loss as fuel to win the next fight. Use it to get better. You lost because you weren’t fit? Good, start hill sprinting more. You lost because of an arm bar. Good, learn how to defend it. 

When I first started fighting, my coaches had fought at a really high level. One was world champion and one was the sparing partner of fighter who fought in Pride. For six months I was battered. I would be aching, bruised and cut. But every time I lost, I worked out why and went back. Then, I started winning and people were surprised. I didn’t win because of talent, I won because of the hard work and dedication to constantly improve and not make excuses like: “they are heavier/ more experienced”. I got better because every time I lost, I dug in and went on a war path. 

Winning is addictive, but never get too used to success because you will become lazy and complacent. You need to lose and experience difficulties in life to stop you being unmotivated, lazy, soft and weak. 

When you have no excuses, you will have control. This in psychology is called the Locus of Control. This locus will help you become much happier in life for many reasons. However, one of the ways in which I use this idea was given to me by my best friend. He said that he does everything he can to the best level that he can. So:

• He commits to his work 100%
• He commits to his wife and family and their difficulties 
• He commits to his sport 100%

This commitment means that he is always reflecting on what he can do better next time. He said that this means that if he ever loses his wife; loses in sport; or gets sacked from his job, it's because someone else was better than him. I love that. I use that so much in sport and life. 

2) Be disciplined. 

I’ve had my share of moments where I’ve not been disciplined - and this has cost me greatly. For example, I have been sent off; disqualified; lost relationships. 

Being disciplined sounds like it constrains you. However, true discipline frees you. I find this with dieting, minimalism; friends, finance, and most areas of life.

In the case of dieting for a fight:

You have the goal - to make weight. So, you start to cut calories and run more. It's a simple formula that works. This has been true since the dawn of time. So, those people who eat more calories than they burn have no excuse for being fat- hence why they use excuses. Excuses grant them an escape. 

The opposite of discipline is anarchy. Anarchy is a state of disorder. Look around you and see that those with good routines and discipline are far more successful than those that flake and live with anarchy. Discipline will grant you the body you want, the psychology you want, the friends you need and the spare time to focus on the things you love. The secret to most of life is to be consistent, predictable and reliable. 

I don’t expect you to be disciplined and self-reflective all your life. Much of your slips will be due to age or not learning from your mistakes. As I said, I haven’t always been disciplined, hence why this is something I constantly have to work on. Be compassionate with yourself on this, but don’t give up. All you have to do is to try and be a better person than you were the day before. 

3) There’s nothing wrong with masculinity.

You have been born into an era of feminism. I love the idea of feminism when it is interpreted as it should be - to mean EQUALITY. However, there are those people who think that everything that is classed as masculine is an offence to the female species. They are wrong. 

After working for years with (mostly) young men who were in jail, I started to see that many of them didn’t have a masculine male to look up to. This meant that their ideas of what it meant to be a man were warped.  A real man can laugh, cry, tell people he loves them. A real man can show compassion and empathy. But a real man can also be a warrior and hide his emotions when he needs to. There is so much to be written on what it is to be a man, that I will write a different article on this. The purpose of this point is to illustrate that there is nothing inherently wrong with being a man and there is nothing wrong with doing anything that is traditionally masculine - unless it is purposefully hurting someone. 

4) Difficulty breeds resilience.

I worry for people who’ve not experienced any difficulties. In the words of Thomas Wayne, from Batman,

“Why do we fall Bruce ?
So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

It's true. In every sport and every element of life, you will fall. But it will be how you pick yourself up that will define you. Remember:

“A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits”.

Life is tough, that’s a fact. This is also a blessing because you will be able to overcome everything that is thrown in your way. Your mother and I will guide you too. When you fall, ask yourself why? When you lose, ask yourself what you can do better next time. But do not let it overwhelm you. Take it on, go on the war path, beat it. When life begins to thrown numerous things at you, hit it head on. Dig in and beat it. 

Difficulties breed character. 

5) Courage.

Courage is the act of doing something even though it scares you. No matter what any fighter may say, I know deep down that they are scared. As I’ve got older, I realise that I have been getting more and more nervous entering the ring, meaning that my time to retire is upon me. But equally, it means that I am courageous - because I'm doing it even though I'm scared. Your mother was also a very courageous lady when I was not there to take the spiders out of the house for her. I used to laugh so hard at her screams! But, even though she was scared, shed take them out if I wasn’t there, or laughing too hard to move. 

Courage comes in many forms. Too often I see people without courage:

• Staying in relationships with no love
• Staying in jobs they hate
• Continuing friendships that no longer serve them
• Living in houses and places that they can't stand
• Don't build a life outside of their comfort zone

There is only one loser there. If you are ever stuck on what to do, come to me or your mother. 

6) You may make some really good friends. 

As you have read in another post, you could make some amazing mates. I won’t write anything else here because it is elsewhere. 

Have a think,

You don’t have to do a sport if you don’t wish. The same lessons can come from any hobby really. Watch these videos as they explain it a lot better than I can. 

Love you,
Dad.