What does being a man mean? "Pick your own poison"
Trying to answer “What it is to be a man”, is such a broad and intense topic. There are millions of articles and videos trying to explain what a man is and how a man conducts himself. I haven’t always known what it is to be a man - and that’s ok. My first introduction to the topic came when I was in University and I have been developing myself ever since.
Our ideas of what it is to be a ‘man’ is based on very old, primate sociology, that has proven to be wrong.
The idea of ‘masculinity’ for most of us (including myself for nearly all of my life), is that the biggest, ugliest, meanest male dominates by brute force. But this description highlights that this is a bully, not a man.
In our culture and psychology, we believe that the guy who expresses his power most effectively will be the most popular, feared, respected, and desired. I see this in my gym and amongst many males I know.
I often listen and watch these people and realise that they are trapped in this ridiculously wrong perspective. Many try far too hard to be this idea of a man and then can’t work out why they are not liked, trusted, and feel lonely and depressed.
Then, as their persona cracks (because this is not really who they are and they realise it isn’t working), they try to overcompensate by becoming even more hyper-masculine or by shit stirring and creating coalitions. Take for example, the fact that I am happy to talk about my emotions to a few people. However, I know that there are people who cannot understand how a man can talk about feeling ‘upset’ in front of other men. I do this knowing that, if I wanted to dominate them physically, I probably could. So, why make that your identity? It's unhealthy. Yet, I know deep down that a lot of men will probably go home and feel depressed for having bottled up their feelings towards a subject because in their head, ‘real men don’t talk’. This is not a dramatic statement, the rates of male suicide are increasing year on year. This is no coincidence.
Note: This doesn’t mean that I am telling you to show people that you are an emotional wreck - far from it. It means that you show people enough of your authentic, empathetic self so that you are mutually reciprocating what they are saying, even if they don’t show it. The importance of this is detailed below.
Research by Frans De Waal has shown that the above idea of masculinity is wrong. He found that small, non-imposing chimpanzee males can become alphas - especially if they have the support of a female. Have you ever heard the saying “behind every great man there is an even greater woman”? This is why. And, whilst we are on the subject, I am not afraid to admit that your mother was very supportive of me.
De Waal found that the small chimpanzee becomes the alpha not because of his ‘power’, but because he is excellent at mutual reciprocation. Mutual reciprocation is:
“Feeling or behaving towards someone else in the same way as they feel or behave towards you”.
Behaving in this way means that the chimp makes friends; that he does things for his friends; they do things for him and they trust each other.
This is incredibly important because the brute chimps, that are overbearing, hurtful, bullying alphas, who do sometimes rule, end up getting torn to shreds by their enemies. This is because they are tough and mean and often treat others in an awful way. Then, when they have a off day, two chimps that the alpha had hurt a week before team up and tear him apart.
These studies show that the chimps that use power, attitude, nasty games and bad gossip to attain dominance rule for only a short period of time and it almost always ends in a bloody way. This teaches us that power is an unstable ethic upon which to build a social hierarchy (Jordan Peterson). It also highlights to us that those who know they cannot be an alpha through the typical routes will begin to create coalitions by grooming other people.
On one hand, creating coalitions is good - like an old carpenter who offers an apprenticeship to a younger, stronger, more energetic male. However, on the other hand, those who are lost in life become shit stirrers (a technical term I'm sure you’ll begin to hear over the course of your life). Now, you could punch these peoples heads in, but it's no use. They will go around whispering to everyone behind your back to create their coalition against you. Just stay out of it and remember, they are driven by fear, weakness and have no compass. Having said that, if you ever need to show them that you will dominate them physically, then do so when the time is right.
Very recently, I let go of a friendship because it no longer served me. The individual was not mutually reciprocative. For example, I never talk bad about anyone; I never play games; I am always loyal (as are all my inner circle of friends). However, it transpired that this person was not reciprocating this. As such, I asked them about it and his response was the reason that I left the friendship.
So, one of the first things you need to do to become a man is to mutually reciprocate them. That is to:
"Treat people in a way that you’d like to be treated yourself"
The second really influential part of becoming a man is to:
"Pick your own poison"
This means - pick something to be responsible for. It sounds simple, but it could be argued that responsibility is the meaning of life.
There is a crisis developing within the male psyche because our ‘traditional’ responsibilities are diminishing. There is no longer the ability for us to raise our families on one wage; there are no wars to fight; no initiation ceremonies. Women's and mens responsibilities are not the same - women are to biologically procreate and have primary responsibility for having infants and caring for them. Women know what they have to do but men:
"Have to figure out what they have to and if they have nothing worth living for, then they stay as Peter Pan and never grow up".
Think about it, what you you do if you had no responsibility? And / or what do people do to avoid responsibility?
Without responsibility you have no idea what you are doing. It's a terrible idea to not have responsibility. Everyone needs to be able to ‘lift a load’ in this life. This is where a lot of self-respect comes from.
No matter what age you are, try and make something heavy enough so that, in the worst case, you know that you can carry whatever responsibility you have chosen from A to B. Honour is choosing a responsibility and then trying to bear the weight of that. Yes, people will suffer dreadfully for not being able to fulfil their responsibility, but it will drive them.
The opposite to responsibility is impulsive pleasure. Why lift the load if there is nothing in it for you? What if the load is not heavy enough? What if it's not what you want? I see this all the time in other people. They have chosen a life that lacks responsibility and/ or meaning and so wander around trying new activities or groups of friends, or take drink and drugs, to fulfil that void. On the other hand, I see people who chose their responsibilities but often need a break so when they have that ‘night off’ they go out and do whatever they want to do.
In short, if you have no responsibility, or it's not the one you want, change it. If you don’t have responsibility, you will live a meaningless life, lack drive, and give in to cheap pleasures. Without responsibility, peoples lives become meaningless, full of self-contempt, nihilism and lack of identity.
So, decide what you want. It doesn’t matter what you decide; however, it should:
- Be good for you;
- Push you forward;
- Push the family and community for the better;
- Match with your values;
- Doesn't have anything to do with what you own or how much you make.
So, to begin the process of becoming a man, in no particular order, is to:
- Pick a load/ a sacrifice and carry it;
- When interacting with people, provide them with mutual reciprocity. Know how you would like to be treated;
- Show your dominion and power only when absolutely necessary - look how many times a lion roars - hardy ever;
- Control your emotions;
- Find a good partner (if you want);
- Become articulate - people can easily be beaten by a brain;
- Challenge yourself.
As always, there are a few videos here to get you thinking about things.
Love you,
Dad
